


What Am I To You?

by in_chains_and_flesh_and_leather



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, OC!Reader - Freeform, Soulmates AU, vampire!Kylo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:22:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29288268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/in_chains_and_flesh_and_leather/pseuds/in_chains_and_flesh_and_leather
Summary: Based on this prompt: A  soulmate AU where one person doesn’t know, but the other does, with  Vampire Kylo, who has been searching for YOU for hundreds of years. You  both finally get your happily ever after.*Get ready for love, angst, destiny and some magic <3
Relationships: Kylo Ren & Reader, Kylo Ren & You, Kylo Ren/Original Female Character(s), Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 13
Kudos: 42





	1. Chapter 1

*

“What does the Master of the Knights of Ren want that he does not have?” – the crone asked, grasping eagerly, gracelessly with her bony fingers at small glass bottles of noxious fumes and roots and withered ugly pebbles, opening some, smelling them, and either tossing them into her bubbling cauldron or putting them away.

Master Ren could be said to have it all. Looks, youth, riches, strength, power, influence. His true mate eluded him yet, but most would be tempted to envy him his copious sampling of possible matches. The fact of his presence at the crone’s mountain cave would be staggering if anyone knew of it.

Kylo watched the implausibly old woman with two holes in her face and leathery skin covering little more than bones and some sinewy muscles, eyes flitting around the dark room, adorned with dry plants, markings that looked like runes, bones and trinkets given to the crone as favors, books whose purpose in a blind woman’s lightless dwelling escaped him, and wondered if the bargain he meant to struck was worth it.

He would gladly give up his castle or sacks of gold, even his name, to obtain the one thing that ached in him more severely each day, but payment was never straightforward.

She did not care for riches, at least not the obvious, glittering ones. The price for her own gift, her visions and the ability to pluck them out of the misty realms of possibility and knit them into reality, had been her physical sense of sight. Fitting, simple and fair, she accepted grudgelessly. 

Kylo had exhausted all avenues of possibility he would perceive. He had been introduced to every sovereign and eligible daughter, looked past rank and birth, traveled his kingdom and endeavored to allow that pull, the cavernous, gaping space he felt inside reverberate with some sort of sign, showing him the way to his mate.

His youth was spent in these pursuits, aside from learning to rule and conqueror, take care of his people, and now he was a man, expected to settle down and provide guidance and protection. And yet, he felt even less prepared to do so than when he first started the process of learning maps and names and allegiances and histories and sword fighting and skinning animals and surviving in subzero mountainous terrains and philosophy of rule.

“I don’t have unity, wholeness.” – Kylo started in a more roundabout way. – “My entire life, I’ve labored under a gnawing feeling of insecurity, of something missing and crying desperately out to be put whole. And I haven’t been able to quell it.”

“What you lack is your mate. And you are wondering now, after years of hot pursuit, if a mate exists at all.” – the crone cut through his feeble façade and was only slightly amused to torment Master Ren.

Among other things, when rationality failed and sleep was scarce and tears came unbidden, Kylo had sought out other magical creatures as well. Rare in those days, he would stubbornly go after the smallest indication or chance that someone with gifts beyond this flesh and blood and snow and stone that surrounded them could give him…something. Assurance that his crying voice was correct and he should heed the call, or simply dash his hopes and give him the impetus to ignore it, so he might finally focus his efforts on something that would be fruitful. The land was poor and bare and cold and unforgiving, life was cruel and tough and his energies would be better spent seeking a more comfortable life for his fellow men than listening to his weak heart weep for something just out of his reach.

The creatures he had found at the start of his search had been benevolent. They had preternatural gifts and they used them freely, to do whatever good they could with them. No payment was necessary, just an acceptance of an honest and truthful refusal if the request went beyond the power granted to them and an entreaty to accept answers and gifts as they were.

They had told him his mate was out there. The figure was distant and shrouded in mists and vapors and colors obscuring details, but it was out there. Not within their power to bring closer, nor direct him towards it, but it was there and his. The hole in him bled and pulsed and he was convinced it was true. They also warned him that the path was bathed in blood and asked him to give it up, fearful of what they could sense.

His own fear and disgust ensured he followed their simple and reasonable rules – accept the gift as it was and not ask for more than is possible to give.

But yearning and solitude were powerful forces, able to twist a heart to the point of perishing in anguish and he needed more, more details, some hope, needed it more than sustenance or breath.

So we ventured out, abandoning his regalia and name, scouring the cruelest and coldest reaches of the mountains rising beyond his castle, barely staying alive in the barren wasteland. Ground frozen, drinking up his body heat, freezing his very bones, hunting and killing small ferocious beasts and eating their still hot entrails just to stay alive and remember what heat felt like, swearing day after day he was too weak to go on and death was nipping at his heels, only to find to his horror that pain had more depth still, hunger and desperation had more dimensions and life could stretch long after hope was gone.

Now he stood just beyond the mouth of her cave, wondering if he was truly even still alive or just an apparition that had not realized its body was returning to the earth, confronted with the question at the very basis of all his agony. – “Am I correct? Is there a mate for me out there?” – he asked in a voice that sounded nothing like his, raspy and weak and distant, and had he not wanted to ask exactly that, he would have concluded it was someone else talking.

“Oh, Master Ren.” – the crone could feel the cord between souls so strong and true, amused at how little these giftless humans could perceive, even where their own destiny was concerned. – “The strands of your bond snapped and coiled around your heart twice as tightly. That is why your pull is so strong and doesn’t seem to resonate or lead anywhere. Rest assured, your mate awaits you. You equal in every way, to hold your heart in both hands and shine a light on your soul.”

Her words were mirthless, almost bored, but Kylo heard music and song and felt fire and comfort like he had never experienced before. Terror should have gripped him that he believed the withered crone so much more profoundly than the creatures that asked nothing in return for their answers, but there was a simple minded, carnal side to Kylo that still saw bargains and exchanges - something taken for something begot - as more true and substantive.

“What do I have to do?” – he asked, feeling eager and restless to renew his chase, but barely able to move or speak.

“I will give you a twofold gift. To allow you to survive your journey back to your tall castle and time enough to find your heart’s desire.” – the first hint of real glee showed in the crone, bargains being a rarity in these mostly unmagical times.

“What will you take?” – the strange, deep voice, a tortured version of his real one, sounded his concern.

“Nothing.” – the crone announced, breathing in the fumes that fueled her visions.

Kylo waited, sure that this was some game designed to taunt him before she finally declared what was truly owed. – “These things always come with a price.” – he prompted when no further response came from the creature.

“True.” – she conceded, but still made no demands of him.

“So what will you take?” – the deep, strangled voice did well to mask his worry; he wanted to know, needed to know how much of him would remain and how he might continue to serve his people.

The crone sighed; the subtlety and intricacies of magic were wasted on these witless humans. - “Nothing as obvious as your eyes or arm. You will learn over time that there are more precious things than jewels or flesh.” – her tone was matter-of-fact, sounding like a warning in his numb, frozen ears. – “Your price, Master Ren, is simple. The first time you asked about your mate, you were told not to pursue this path. To accept that it was not fated.” – she reminded him and he was both unsurprised and horrified she knew of this. – “This time, your price is that you must sail until you reach that horizon, and walk until the end of that road. Your life will go on until your mate is by your side. Your gift and your price is one and the same.”

It was not the crone that decided, Kylo had learned as he hunted for magic. The creatures forged of light magic were few and less powerful in terms of granting wishes and providing clear answers, but their gifts came at no cost. Dark magic creatures could make their payments and be given more, deeper answers, and they could even grant gifts of their own to anyone strong or foolish enough to accept them. Whatever favor was asked would announce its price and after the bargain was made, there was no getting out of it. All anyone could do was achieve their goals and thus fulfill the bargain, or perish in their pursuit of it.

It was suspicious that his gift _was_ the price, but he knew the crone didn’t lie. The creatures were merely vessels for the magic and did not profit from it, so there was nothing to be gained for the crone by lying to him.

After a long, contemplative silence, Kylo asked - “Then I am…free to go?”

“You are. And go fast, for the path is long and your absence is already felt at home.” – the crone informed him, turning away and disappearing further into her cave, wanting nothing from him and not seeking his company for any longer than it was necessary to conduct their business.

Kylo wondered what else she knew. Whether invaders were coming, or already were at his doorstep? There were those looking for the remnants of a retreating magic that might grant them different things – strength, wealth, power – and they would endeavor to conquer his kingdom for it. It was also the last kingdom in the north that could still sustain itself, rich with animals and humans adapted to scratching a life from frozen rocks, rich with metals and forests. He had lost track of time on his pilgrimage and he asked the freezing air around him if he had truly been away long enough for his kingdom to fall. His Knights were relentless and unforgiving and would not give it up without a merciless fight, so he put his trust in them and took a few tentative steps out of the mysterious cave, testing if his body felt strong enough to attempt a journey back.

When he turned around, the cave had vanished like it had never been there, but more astonishing than that was that the biting cold and gnawing hunger and overwhelming exhaustion, which were his only companions on his journey, no longer plagued him. He could walk or run without feeling pain or needing rest for what felt like forever.

*

When he returned home, he found it besieged, as he suspected.

Almost singlehandedly, he would fight and cut through enemy forces, scaring not only his opponents, but his own Knights and people. Rumors of nighttime raids that left corpses drained of blood, with broken necks and torn out hearts reached his own kingdom and were dismissed – no such raids were organized or sanctioned by Master Ren. However, some scouts would secretly and quietly confirm they saw enemy soldiers praying and building pyres for these accursed bodies, often deserting after those events to avoid a similar fate.

After this siege was thwarted, Kylo began to slowly comprehend his gift and his price, retreating from his Knights and council, and they did not protest, for their master had returned from him pilgrimage a changed man.

His own people were wary, but too afraid to rebel. Their circumstances were not getting worse precisely, regardless of the blood chilling rumors surrounding the man who sat high in his castle atop the mountains, and the inexorable passage of time, fear for survival and getting used to life being bleak made them accept their ghastly ruler, pale save for his blood-red lips, terrible in countenance and chilling in presence, and so Kylo ruled for years, then decades, then centuries. He had retreated behind the walls of his castle, sending out his Knights to do his bidding and he had passed into legend so much so that even fear of him began to wane. For who believes in an unseen terror which never attacks you? He was probably long dead and succeeded by someone who took on the name for the purpose of dread it instilled upon being uttered. And so it must have gone on for centuries, the people concluded, using the name as a cautionary tale about not selling your soul and scaring their children into obedience with it by warning them that Master Ren would travel as a dark shadow out of his castle at the top of the mountain and slide under their door to drink their blood if they did not behave.

*

Kylo endured his gift, testing what it could do, how long his thirst could be kept at bay, the extent of his strength and senses and wondered how it would help him find his mate.

Time passed as he learned about himself, as he traveled as far and wide as he could, constrained by water to the East – the only real obstacle he faced, as the arbitrary lines on a map delineating kingdoms posed no challenged to his powers. But even centuries later, he had not found what he was looking for.

Matters took a turn for the worse when the population of animals declined and forests started to thin. More and more attacks, frequent, but less organized, descended across his borders, some reaching deep.

Whispers of people seeking magical creatures reached him and he was stunned, as magic had been all but forgotten in the world. First he thought the invaders were there to banish or vanquish these creatures, fanatically fearing their powers, but then parties were found seeking them with no intention of harm.

Kylo realized these remaining few magical entities, mostly unseen and ungraspable, were retreating from the world, traveling across his lands to disappear into the icy expanse and their pursuers were after them in search of answers or help.

He himself grew worried about what that meant for their future, and the future of his kingdom, and went swiftly back into the mountains seeking his crone.

He searched for a long time, examining countless caves and venturing so far from the world he was convinced there would be no way back. The forests disappeared and nothing but white planes stretched before him. The solitude was oppressive and the atmosphere eerie as he felt the world slowly becoming drained of that indescribable phenomenon he brushed up against as he received his gift. It was almost paralyzing to feel it drift past him, never to return.

“You are persistent, aren’t you, Master Ren?” – one day, the crone simply appeared in front him, even less interested in him than before. His presence deterred her kind from passing and it would be simpler to grant him the conversation he came for and send him back than to disrupt her kin’s exodus.

“What is happening?” – aware he had nothing to entice the crone with and it was only whim or mercy that motivated her to give him some amount of time, he launched right into his questioning.

“We do not appear to people to answer questions. Even bargains do not hold interest for us anymore.” – she told him, voice appallingly void of emotion, already feeling like it was irrevocably detached from this earth.

“You’re abandoning this realm.” – Kylo tried not asking question with obvious answers, but at least getting some confirmation for his doubts.

“You could say that. Humans and magic are essentially…incompatible.”

“How so?”

Questions again bore her, and Kylo could feel her considering just abandoning him there. – “You are not able to respect the limitations of magic, nor its potential once you’ve tasted it. You seek out pointless bargains, asking for such mundane and ugly things. Power, strength, riches, flotsam that avails to nothing. It is simply not worth our time to dwell here.”

“And what is to be of all the bargains already struck?”

“Finally, something to the point.” – her voice at last sounded more real, something recognizable in it as her interest was awoken and the impact of the magic she had dedicated her existence to was brought up. – “I suspect it will be a time of great turmoil and desperation. You know the terms of the bargain.”

“There is no getting out, it must be seen to its end.” – Kylo sounded when she paused and gave him room to speak.

“That’s right, Master Ren. You can expect hordes of men, thirsting for riches and lands and stature to unleash their claws and go after them with a hunger you’ve never seen before. After all, what have they to lose? Only their lives, which are forfeit anyway.”

“Is there anything to be done?” – he asked earnestly, thought he already guessed at the answer.

“No.” – her answer was simple and final, and she was courteous enough not to gloat. – “I am not sure whether you are one of the lucky ones, or the most wretched of all. Your bargain is about your mate, so all you need to do is reunite and become one. No one needs to get hurt. And you will be free. Yet here you are, more twisted up than ever.” – she mused, the memory of the magic that weaved itself through her for his gift giving her pleasure.

Kylo felt like he’d been pricked in the heart. - “But I’ve done all I could. I have left no stone unturned…” – he started angrily; he’d tried not to bring up his own bargain and find out more about the situation at large, but now that she had mentioned it, all his impotence and frustration boiled in his cold body. It had been an impossibly long time and he was frozen, unchanging, and more hollow than ever, yearning for the mate he could feel, but not find, no matter what he did.

“Not so.” – the crone corrected, infuriatingly calm. – “You were given all the information you need in our previous conversation and you did not listen. For all your sitting in your halls and turning words and facts around in your head, you are still missing the obvious answer.”

He heard the words as if whispered in his ear again. _Your price is that you must sail until you reach that horizon, and walk until the end of that road. Your life will go on until your mate is by your side. Your gift and your price is one and the same._

Without another word to the crone, knowing she wouldn’t care for superficial courtesies or empty thanks, Kylo turned and ran, knowing he would eventually reach some woods where he may feed – no creature matching him in ferocity – and after that, it would only be a matter of time – which he had an infinite supply of – before he found his way back to his castle, and from there, it would be simple to do what he finally understood he had to.

*


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know I gotta throw a spoke in that brooding vampire's wheel.

*

The day started out like any other. With a Sun salute and a visit to the silkworm colony. The window to extract silk from them without boiling or gassing them was small, so it required constant vigilance. This kept you busy for most of the morning and then you were able to go and get some food.

After cleaning the bowl of porridge and finishing your fruit, you thanked today’s cook and went off to pursue some entertainment.

*

Kylo had crossed oceans of time to find his soulmate.

It had been his entire natural lifetime, then the centuries of this unnatural life, and finally a months long sea voyage once he, in his desperation, assembled a small fleet and took off from his home.

He had never taken the crone’s words literally and it seemed like that was all that was remaining to him. Relations were already beginning to become strained between different territories and the ambitions of the people who inhabited or ruled them, spurred on by the threat of diminishing magic, making it an urgent matter to realize all desires and objectives. It was his last opportunity to pursue his own destiny, before he would have to return home and do his best to stabilize the kingdom which would by then, no doubt, be in grave trouble.

They made stops along some port cities and isles, but none had a trace of magic in them and, more importantly, none made him feel compelled to stay.

However, in one such city, they heard of a hidden away isle, so remote and difficult to navigate to it was seldom visited by anyone. Those who did, never got to tell their tales. They boasted lush vegetation and the finest silks, unnaturally long lives and ethereal beauty, but it seemed like some curse loomed over the isle, or at the very least, they possessed ways to repel foreigners. It seemed like this might be some haven for magic. Kylo had experienced the limitations and treacheries of magic before, so that inspired little hope in him, but it seemed worth visiting if for nothing else, than the experience and to satisfy intellectual curiosity and discover its secrets.

A few more weeks of navigating mainly uncharted waters, getting lost and suffering heat and exhaustion, finally, land came into view.

Mist rose over the water as they sailed, vapors from distant fires make the air dance, colors that did not exist in his land dazzled his crew and himself.

They reached land and found none of the things they expected. No edifices, no guards, no sign of humanity.

Leaves rustled and strange animals, birds and insects sounded all around, but nobody seemed to be there, controlling it all.

Kylo and his Knights delved deeper into the beach, almost as white as their snow, but hard and coarse, sparkling in all different colors as light broke through the tiny crystals, but always reverting back to white. Then came the woods and canopies rising high as mountains, wild and glorious, in shapes and colors and textures he’d never imagined before.

They trekked for a long while like this, encountering miraculous beauty, but without a plan and destination. However, nobody would dare question Kylo. Their Master did not require food or water or rest for long periods of time. He never ate at their meal times, only consorted with them. Their throats were rough and parched, legs tired, heads burning with heat and hearts racing at every unfamiliar sound, but on they walked and waited for commands.

Suddenly, just when it started to seem this was not the place they set out for, Kylo spotted the thinnest little path, with trodden dirt under it, trickling and winding into the bushes and sprawling leaves. His heart, dormant and cold for longer than he could remember, useless to him to the point of forgetting its presence, suddenly lurched, like a string were tied around it and now suddenly yanked. He took off, following the almost imperceptible path, at a breakneck speed that his Knights could never dream of matching.

The further down, and up, the path he traveled, the more his determination grew. This was it. This was finally it. It had to be.

*

The path got broader and easier to follow and Kylo raced against himself, the painful pull grinding him up from the inside. The string he felt coiling endlessly around in the middle of his chest, cutting into him and slicing through was almost too much to bear. He just wanted to finally reach the end, hoping the faster he did, the faster he would feel relief.

He came up to a clearing, finding a group of people there, naked or barely clothed, cliff diving. Among them stood the one’s he been looking for, he knew, and he recognized her instantly. Back to him, she was the last to turn, apprehensive.

*

You turned when your brothers stiffened and their smiles vanished, skin crawling instinctively. When you laid eyes on the cause of it, you could understand why. A creature stood there, tall and broad, pale and unnerving, clad in black and looked at you relentlessly. It was the look of a predator.

You knew the word, like you knew words for ice or dishes of stewed animal flesh, although none of those words applied to anything around you. But somewhere in your bones, passed down a long line of ancestors that once existed in different ecosystems, where they were hunted and hunted other living things in turn, instincts lay dormant and now warned you, with dread and cold hands, twitching muscles and a racing heart. _Run. He’s here for you_.

“What are you doing here?” – you asked, trying in the common tongue of the land kingdoms. Your friends were more proficient in the port city cants and other languages you might use to communicate, but he understood.

It was neither an accusation nor a welcome. Kylo could tell you were trying to tread carefully. – “Won’t you ask me who I am?” - he suggested, in what he hoped was a welcoming tone, but it did nothing to change your wide-eyed, apprehensive look.

“Who are you?” – you complied and asked, not having much other choice. Your people were not fighters, there were absolutely no weapons on the island and all you could do with rare intruders was try to be reasonable and hospitable and hope for the best.

Kylo could hardly believe he could finally utter those words, equal parts ecstatic and paralyzed with fear. – “I am Kylo Ren. Your soulmate.”

The look on your face did not change, save for a bit of narrowing of the eyes, calculating, running through scenarios. What did he mean? Was he taunting you somehow? Was he out of his mind with heat?

The level of fear he sensed from you did not abate, much to his chagrin, and his thoughts raced as to what could be wrong. Even if the cord had been somehow severed and you did not feel the pull and burn and ache, surely you had to react to your true mate appearing. Maybe it was shock. He came a step closer, finally startling the remaining islanders back into consciousness from that shock and terror-induced coma they seemed to be in, and they stood in front of and around you.

This number of foes would not daunt him in any circumstance, but especially now. Their stance was pitiful and scared, not an ounce of defensive maneuvering or threatening posturing. Quite the opposite. Not to mention a lack of any weaponry. What did they even mean to do by standing in his way? He was convinced he could break them all into smithereens purely by shoving them aside.

“No, please!” – you exclaimed and started pushing your way through them, trying to move them away, to safety. They passively allowed themselves to be moved, to save you from any potential injury their resistance might cause, but fell back into their formation, if it could be called that, as soon as you moved to the next person. This Kylo Ren did not seem to be attacking or even to comprehend this sacrificial gesture, but you couldn’t stand the idea that it had to come to this at all.

Kylo watched your countenance finally change, feverishly working to disperse these people and he had to conclude that this show was some sort of challenge to him, to prevent him from getting to you. – “Do they think I’ll hurt you?”

 _Hurt?_ , you mulled the word around in your head, sure you had heard it somewhere before, but the meaning eluded you now. _My stomach hurts_ , you remembered the example phrase. An ache, something that causes an ache, that’s what it meant! – “Will you?” – you asked back, feeling your bowels tremble dangerously, a dread like you’d never felt before quaking your whole body.

“Never.” – Kylo answered categorically, disappointed by the question, but trying to hold himself together _. You’re here, he’s here, he’s found you_. Everything will be alright now. You will understand soon enough.

The tone he used made it hard to breathe. You believed him, for whatever reason – the same instinct that told you to fear him now told you he was not insincere. But even if he was, your thoughts raced, hurtling in every direction, trying to find a way out of this situation that caused the least, or no, tragedy; even if he was lying and he did to you whatever predators did to their prey, better he hurt only one person than more.

Without taking your eyes off of his, you tapped every body you could reach to get their attention. – “Leave. Go now. Please. Just jump. Leave me here.” – you told them, and they looked at your fearfully, protesting that they could not, that they had to try and stay his hand, but you sent them off more decisively, reminding them you could choose what to do and that they had better let the others know you had visitors.

*

When you were alone, Kylo remembered to first ask if he could approach. Though still wary, some sense was returning to you. He had let himself deep into your island, terrified your friends, and you, and he was asking for something you couldn’t refuse. If you said no, he could just approach anyway, perhaps angered and with a mind to do something unthinkable and inadmissible on your territory. Or was it some attempt at courtesy? It was not easy to imagine this predator being courteous. And what did he want?

You let him near you and he just looked, it felt like he was leering, licking up and down and across your face and body with his hard, intent eyes. Unlike yours, almost none of his skin was on display. He was clad in black, layers of it, from his jawline to the floor, looking like he was woven from darkness and moonlight, glowing out of his pale skin.

“You said _visitors_.” – he thought he might start more casually than belaboring the point that he was your other half, you reflection in the universe, and you might want to show a bit more of a reaction to that than just confusion and poorly concealed aversion. – “How were you so sure there are more of us?”

“Our isle is remote, inaccessible. We get visitors if they are shipwrecked, which you don’t look to be. And those who set out with the intention of finding us…” – you continued, but your throat closed by with revulsion and sadness. Those who set out with the intention of finding you are usually looking for easy prey. – “They don’t attempt the journey on their own.” - they bring others, sharp steel, cages.

“My Knights are still in your forests. I say we should go look for them before they get startled and…cause any potential damage.” – Kylo suggested, turning around towards the path and angling his body so you might walk beside him. You hoped you may find those knights he spoke of soon and buy their peace and swift departure with silks and fruits and gems.

*

You walked in silence for a while, listening for any unfamiliar sounds that could lead to his men. However, it did not escape you that Kylo moved as silently and imperceptibly as a shadow. The hallmark of predators and hunters, silent and lethal, unseen until it was too late. A shudder ran through your body and he noticed.

To distract you from whatever nasty thoughts you were, no doubt, thinking about him, Kylo started talking. – “You never said anything about my reason for being here.” – he prompted, eager to talk about it, eager to have you accept him.

“I’m afraid I don’t understand your reason very well.” – you answered truthfully, wary of continuing this conversation. It didn’t seem likely to you that you could come to an amicable conclusion – if he wanted anything from you, you knew you couldn’t, and wouldn’t, give it.

“We are soulmates.” – he said simply, like it was the most obvious thing. You still tried to recall what that concept was supposed to mean to people who lived in distant, blood soaked lands. Apart from being some irrational romantic notion they wrote poems about, you didn’t see it having any relevance. – “I’ve spent…a long time looking for you.” – he said in a tone that sounded like it caused him pride and pain, and like he expected you to have some reverent reaction. – “Now we can be together.” – he spoke in plain terms, like you were ignorant, concluding that this was the expected order of things, and your teeth gnashed.

“In what way?” – you reminded yourself to be calm. Just let him talk. You come from very different worlds. Perhaps it would turn out he can be reasoned with.

“In every way.” – he answered the exact thing you were hoping not to hear. Some of your sisters from the isle were taken in a raid, many years ago, and you thought of their fate. If they did not die on the long voyage to even the closest lands, in what ways were they taken and treated? And would you have to suffer the same with this…creature?

“But why would that be?” – you asked, thinking if you were to die or be taken away, you may as well ask, make him state his reasons and perhaps some shame and pity might stir him to stop hurting a fellow living thing.

Kylo did not like the sound of your voice, like it was despairing. How was it possible that you were not rejoicing as much as he was? – “We are one, in two bodies. Now we are reunited.” – he said, as gently as he knew how.

Despite the unnerving nature of his words, he sounded less malicious than he looked, so you let him continue. - “So we must spend time together?”

“It’s not that we must. We get to.” – he corrected, not liking this accusation of coercion. – “We can be as we are meant to, share our lives. Be whole, be one again.” – even in his own ears, he sounded wistful. He just wanted that peace, the peace he could feel lying just beyond the curtain of your acquiescence. 

“How do you know it’s—“ – you stopped before offering yourself up, not wanting to feed whatever delusion he had. – “How do you know who it is that makes you whole?”

“The pull.” – he said with unquestionable certainty. After centuries of feeling it, more or less strongly, it was as real to him as every material thing in the world. – “It’s like a voice, but it doesn’t speak. Like a hand, a rope. Guiding you.”

“But I don’t…”

“You don’t feel it.” – he finished darkly, awakening your fear again. Kylo knew, something told him that you didn’t when you didn’t respond to him the way he did to you. But it didn’t sadden him any less to hear it confirmed.

“That’s right.” – you replied, almost adding you were sorry, but then you didn’t.

Kylo was quiet for a while, gathering enough heart and will to keep talking, suddenly so tired. From the sun, so rare in his lands, sapping his energy, the long journey, the countless years he searched and waited. But he eventually continued. – “That happens sometimes - I don’t know why.” – he tacked on preemptively, sure that you would ask, to save himself that suspicious, unconvinced tone. He had dreamed of falling to his knees and embracing the body that encased the other half of his soul, being held and comforted after so many lifetimes of grief and emptiness. He had so little left in him to persuade and explain, it had taken almost all his belief and resolve just keep himself alive and searching for this long.

“How can you be soulmates then? If the other person doesn’t feel that pull? How can they be sure?” – you asked, feeling like his resolve and confidence were slowly wavering.

“Then it’s up to the person who does know to find them. They feel the pull with double the force, double the conviction.” – Kylo said, feeling like the force he felt had to have been augmented by his lengthy wait because it was so overwhelming that he couldn’t imagine a frail human body bearing it.

“That seems un…” – you thought about the word you were trying to use. Un-real? Un-possible? Un-believable? – “Reliable.” – it finally came to you. The notion seemed naïve, something you might tell children before bedtime. And an unfair demand that would force the participants into monogamy, something that was limiting and impossible to ask for. How could anyone claim that in a months, a year, or a few decades they would not want a different mate? Or several? Or none? Who had the right to claim someone forever?

“I suppose, then, the person needs to be very persuasive. Or they both end up without their other half.” – Kylo offered, knowing that skepticism and proclamations of love did not mix well.

“Why would it be necessary to find a specific one? Can you not find a suitable mate anywhere?” – you asked, wondering why anyone would go through so much trouble.

Of course he could, Kylo almost spat, becoming dangerously exasperated. And he was not merely speaking of mates, that was such a superficial understanding of what he was trying to relay. – “Do you have a mate?” – he opted to ask instead of continuing to prattle on about something you were clearly not understanding. Besides, he realized he wanted, and needed, to know.

“No.” – you answered easily enough, not thinking that lying would do any good. Nor stop a predator anyway, only endanger whatever poor brother you feigned was a mate.

“Why?” – he asked proddingly, like he knew something you were trying to conceal.

The question pricked something in you, something that felt very personal, that you did not discuss with others. – “I don’t want one.” – you answered, giving him a part of the truth. Nothing in you had called for a mate, so you never took one.

“See, this is what happens.” – he stopped and you mirrored the action without thinking. – “Our broken cord leaves us unsuitable for others. I cannot take a mate because no one but my soulmate can satisfy me.” – he closed his eyes against the rush of emotion, the frustration that still, _still!_ he was not requited. – “The pull, the chasm, cannot be filled by anyone save for the one I’m pulled towards. And you are untethered, a stranger to connection and no one will awaken it in you but me.” – it sounded like a threat to your ears. – “Even in our disconnection, we still only belong together.”

You rolled words around in your head, looking for the right ones. Seeing him become so impassioned, you tried not to provoke him. He could see you were guarded, uncomfortable, and a maddening desire to just shout in your face to trust him and let go, as well as a need to put you at ease tore at him and pulled him in opposite directions. – “Please, talk to me freely. Say whatever is on your mind.” – he urged as calmly as possible. - “I have told you already I have no intention of harming you. I, I could never…” – he chuckled bitterly, the fear he sensed in you was just so preposterous. If you could only somehow find that pull inside you, surely, you would feel how true his intentions were.

“No one takes these matters so…seriously here. We do not wed, we do not… believe there is only one mate for a person. It is of little importance who you scion children with, it is just another part of the Great Harmony.” – you tried to explain, but Kylo got impatient, sure that it was just your skewed, untethered view that was interpreting things that way.

“I’m sure your culture allows you to feel this way, but I assure you, love leaves no one untouched.” – he interrupted and was pleased to see some anger flash in your eyes. Finally, something unguarded. – “And the people who mate and scion children together are bound by more than some ineffable cosmic harmony.” – he gestured at the air and sky, like you were talking about fairytales.

It was deeply offensive. The only thing that was real and true was harmony. A great balance, often perturbed by war and murder and competition and all those awful words that exist in your land only as relics and reminders of why you need to love and accept and forgive and respect all living things at least as much as yourself, if not more. If he could not respect the most fundamental tenet of your way of life, there was no hope of finding common ground.

The back and forth continued, emboldening you to the point of openly disagreeing a few times, but all of that ease and bravado was forgotten as soon as you beheld his knights.

Similarly large and broad, dressed in dark colors, brandishing frightful looking weapons and exuding an aggressive energy, they ignored you and spoke to Kylo.

How would you ever negotiate with these monsters?

*

By the time you reached your village, people already knew visitors were there and a council of the oldest and wisest brothers and sisters was assembled.

“Welcome.” – Nebu addressed Kylo and his monsters as you approached with them. Wizened and measured, Nebu was one of the oldest and smartest brothers on the island and it calmed you somewhat that he was speaking.

“We apologize for the intrusion and the fright it’s no doubt caused you.” – Kylo retorted and bowed.

“What’s done is done, young sir.” – Nebu spoke again and Kylo wondered how much older he was than this shriveled old man, despite his appearance of youth. – “It need not color our further dealings.”

“I agree wholeheartedly.” – Kylo stood straighter, and readied himself for the conversation. – “In the interest of dealing with you fairly and honestly, I would like to lay my intentions before you.”

“I thank you for being so forthcoming. What brought you to our little island?”

“We are merely passing through.” – Kylo started by assuring the man and everyone else listening. – “We are a long way from home and my crew is tired, in need of rest. I would thank you for your hospitality until they recover and are ready to make the journey back.”

“Of course, it would be a great pleasure to host you and see you be well.” – Nebu smiled easily and widely, like he couldn’t see the sheer size and power and potential for destruction when it stood and talked directly to him. But that had to be the result of his long years and great knowledge, that he could love and accept even a beast that would crush him in its jaws.

“There is another matter, one I think may…be strange to you.” – Kylo started warily, disheartened by his conversation with you, which he had expected to go much differently.

“We will accommodate anything within our ability, young sir.” – Nebu assured.

“Where I come from, we have a belief. In one soul in two bodies. Half the gifts in one, half in the other. Our purpose in life is to reunite the two halves. We call this soulmates. It has long been my mission to find mine and I have searched far and wide, longer and harder than anyone, I’m willing to bet. And I have found her today.” – he said with a look to you, standing back in the safety of your own people. – “I understand from speaking to her that your views on this matter are different. However, I would to request a period of courtship. A time to talk to her, be in her presence. A chance to show her that we are, indeed, one.”

Nebu considered for a long while. Like anyone well-read, he knew of this concept, one that was in opposition to how your people lived, far more free and fluid, like the water lapping on every side of your home. But he also knew that a flat our refusal could have serious consequences. – “We do not have such practices here and I am not sure your extended presence on the island would be safe. For you, I mean.”

He’d barely finished speaking when the Knights visibly bristled, taking it as an affront against their Master and themselves. Kylo stilled them with a sharp look that made several people around you gasp or twitch in fear. – “I am becoming aware of that. I would, respectfully,” – he emphasized, bowing his head a little – “request your hospitality extend to teaching me more about your practices. I would not want to offend. And we will in turn follow any rules you set.” – he promised and when Nebu didn’t seem completely convinced, Kylo added in a more pleading tone. - “All I want is an opportunity to win over her affections.”

Nebu studied his face silently and looked at the ground, deliberating on a decision. – “I cannot make the decision for her or compel her to do anything she does not wish to. Why don’t you help yourselves to food and drink while we discuss your request in private?”

“Of course. Thank you.” – Kylo agreed, despite being desperate to just hear a yes. His men needed to recover their strength and he needed to cooperate.

“Be careful that you don’t touch anything, or let anything touch you.” – Nebu gave them a friendly warning, his tone indicating he was telling them out of concern and not to command them. The Knights were not too happy about this, but their Master’s compliance silenced them.

*

You retreated to discuss and that fact alone filled you with queasiness and dread.

They were seriously considering practically selling you to him.

“Would you, of your own accord, spend time at his side? While his crew is recovering? Should you say yes, we gain something to negotiate with. We can ask them to stay confined to their ship and not come on our land, for their own safety and ours. We can decide how much we reveal to them and which of our secrets we protect.” – Nebu explained. – “But nobody can ask you to do something you cannot find in yourself.”

Earlier in the day, you had managed to come out of your encounter alive. But who knows how long you can keep it up without provoking him and unleashing wrath and ruin on your brothers and sisters.

To endure his presence and that awful cold feeling of fright, being at his mercy. Listen to his disrespect to your values and inane stories about cosmic love, as if he could understand any of it, and fables about destiny.

“I cannot do what he asks of me. I cannot belong to him.” – you admitted, wishing you could make this sacrifice for the good of your people.

“We don’t expect you to. But to avoid conflict at this moment, all we can do is compromise. Give him what he thinks he wants.” – Nebu advised, as gently as he could. – “It would only be for a time. Eat with him. Talk to him. Show him with your behavior and conversation that he is mistaken to pursue you. And he will have no choice but to believe.”

“And when I refuse him, what then? How do we know they will not injure anyone?”

“If he is a man of his word, he won’t.” – Nebu shrugged, knowing that if he wasn’t, then every move, right or wrong, was for naught.

“Is he a man at all?” – you asked what had been on your mind for a while and he had no response.

*

The terms were accepted. The Knights of Ren would only come ashore at meal times and avoid touching and being touched. Kylo would join you on your daily duties, at meal times and at your leisure.

You had this night to yourself and tomorrow it would begin.

*

Later, when you were in bed alone, you pondered the decision and the council.

They were gentle, unselfish and thought of the greatest good. If they were anything other than that, they quickly fell out of favor. You knew their decisions were not taken lightly and you would expect the same sacrifice to be gladly accepted by any selfless brother or sister. But you just didn’t know if you stood any chance of delaying or preventing this potential tragedy. Why couldn’t it have been someone else? Someone better?

He was impossible to talk to.

And how dare he act like he knew all this about you? What connection you felt and didn’t feel and what you were supposed to do or not do? Whether or not you needed or wanted a mate?

That day would come.

For now you worked and read, and sang and danced and cared for everything in sight, spending your years well.

One day, you would likely also want to take a mate. Maybe have a child. So you would take one.

But it was not important or necessary.

And he just came out of nowhere, like a shadow, disturbing the balance around you; demanding, though not in so many words, that he be taken, now, at the exclusion of all others.

If he professed to care for your wellbeing, your own self to have what it needed and desired, then, rationally, he had to be persuaded that your own choices and feelings were to be without him, and he had to be convinced to leave. You repeated those thoughts to yourself, trying to dispel the outrage that rose in you. You would convince him. You would. As soon as possible.

*


	3. Chapter 3

****

*****

You felt eyes following you as you made your way to the beach, the opposite direction than where you would normally go in the morning. You tried not to look at anyone so you wouldn’t absorb any of their confusion or trepidation. The balance and harmony you enjoyed and could have taken for granted easily were it not the object of your adoration and prayer, were so deeply disturbed and you were ill equipped to deal with it.

Why did this have to happen at all? And if it did, why couldn’t it have been someone better? Smarter, stronger than you? How would you contend with this strange creature? And how would you live with yourself if your actions brought harm to anyone?

With these thoughts buzzing in your head, you reached the beach and found Kylo standing on the coast, stepping onto the island as little as possible, per your agreement. It was clear the Sun was too strong for him and he did not enjoy it, but he sought no refuge under trees, wanting to show his compliance with your rules.

“Where are you taking me today?” – he asked, too enchanted at the prospect to even properly smile. You wouldn’t know, he understood, but he longed to be taken by the hand and led through the world, side by side with his other half, longed to be in her presence and share her world, needing companionship and belonging most of all.

“I’ll be working at the spider silk colony.” – you averted your eyes as you spoke, only briefly glancing at him when it became too rude not to look.

“Am I allowed to go there?” – he checked, though he was rather sure he was.

“You’re allowed to go anywhere, as long as you’re with me.”

Even though you were clearly not overjoyed at the prospect, Kylo enjoyed hearing the words. – “That makes me very happy.” – he made sure to state plainly, and resolved to say it as often as he could, now that he finally had someone to say it too, and to keep reminding you.

You had no kindness to give in return, but did not want to offend, so you tried to find something suitably in the middle. – “Let’s get away from the Sun.” – you offered and walked briskly till you reached the tree line, Kylo following, dutiful and relieved to be in the shadows – he had little enough energy and did not need the Sun sapping any more.

*

The sight of the colony was breathtaking. The canopies were covered in countless wisps of spider strings and webs, looking like the snow capped mountains where he hailed from. They looked soft like clouds and somehow ominous and forbidding at the same time, knowing how many thousands of these creatures had to have been working to create these thick gauzy coverings, ghostly and ethereal.

Kylo dearly wanted to listen to your voice, to the way you described the world, so he asked questions about everything. This had the effect of putting you on edge, worried that you might reveal things you shouldn’t.

“I’d heard stories about spider silk, but I never knew anyone was able to produce anything with it.” – he remarked, watching you choose threads of different colors and set up the loom.

“This is spider silk.” – you motioned down your body, the flowy kaftan you chose for the day, to conceal your skin from the sun and Kylo’s eyes.

He reached out, before any thought about propriety had time to form, and rubbed the material of your sleeve between his fingers. The texture was unfamiliar, but pleasant, and he smiled at the feeling, looking curious and benevolent. The look made you relax and you only then realized how tight your shoulders had been all morning.

When he went to release the fabric and sit down to observe you work, his hand lightly brushed your arm and the old tension zoomed right back into you.

“I apologize. I run colder than most.” – he balled up a fist in dismay, and laid his hands pointedly on his thighs, silently promising to keep them away from you.

After the initial shock of feeling skin so unnaturally cold, you reminded yourself not to show your horror, not to displease your powerful guest. – “I was going to suggest finding some spider silk clothing for you, to make you comfortable. But now I suppose you might prefer…your garments.” – you couldn’t guess what material he was wearing.

“Wool.” – he traced his eyes over his sleeves. – “It’s cold where I’m from, but the material functions well in hotter climates too.” – he explained, hoping you cared at least a little where he came from, where he eventually intended to take you.

“And how do you obtain it?” – you asked, curious about something that can keep a person both warm and cool.

Kylo smiled at his own ignorance. – “I’m afraid I do not know the exact process, I don’t habitually produce things like you do.” – you made no reaction either way, but he imagined you did not think very highly of someone who lived like that. – “I do know it comes from sheep, we cut it from them.” – he added, eager to provide some answer and show a measure of knowledge.

You blinked once, twice, trying to imagine, understand what he might mean. He saw the distress in your face when your mind conjured awful images of injuries and he scooted forward, hands flying to touch you, soothe you, but he stopped them in the air before they did. – “What I mean is, with knives, er, scissors…” – he tried to explain, but those words did not help. – “It doesn’t hurt them.” – he finally assured, explaining it was like cutting hair when it gets too long.

When you’d calmed down, you had a question. – “Don’t they need it?”

Kylo never really thought about it. A sheep only ever mattered in his life if it was slaughtered for mutton and he ate it. – “I…suppose. But it grows back.”

That seemed like poor consolation to you and he simply didn’t know what to say. Why was he wasting time talking about sheep with his love? It was ridiculous and he wanted to curse them all to hell, for derailing your conversation and upsetting you. To change the topic, he asked to hear more about gathering spider silk and your obligations with it.

In the end, it did not make a lot of sense to him. – “Forgive me, but I don’t quite understand how it works out. It seems ineffective. So much space, and labor, and time… for just one coil of thread.” – he said, thinking of similar silks available and produced in much higher quantities. Certainly, the novelty of it being spider-made would be interesting to some, the obscenely wealthy, but the returns could never really justify the investments.

This idea of profit and obvious exchange of something for something else was rather vulgar. You hoped he could understand that your people had different priorities. – “The isle is as much theirs as it is ours. We are grateful for the work, for their company, and we even receive gifts of strong thread from them. If anything, we _take too much_ from them.”

Kylo thought about it and could see your point, though in the place where he lived, life was cruel and difficult and man and animal alike couldn’t afford such romantic notions of coexistence and gratitude. – “That sounds…like a dream.” – he concluded wistfully, with war, terror and hunger looming over his lands, he could only wish to busy himself with extracting silk from spiders and doing work for work’s sake.

*

When it was time to break fast, you fetched Kylo’s Knights and led them to the dining hall. They ate the breads and fruits with relish, all expect Kylo, to your dismay. The one you had to keep appeased and docile, sat across from you, watching you with placid and satisfied eyes, but didn’t touch his food.

“Would you prefer something else?”

Kylo had to suppress a smile of dark amusement. – “I mean no offense, everything looks splendid. I am what you might call a picky eater.” – he explained and resolved to choke down a blood orange. It tasted rotten and acidic to him, though he knew, from old, almost forgot memories, it was rich and sweet and tangy, just not to him. When you explained it was customary to thank the cook by cleaning one’s bowl and even directly saying thanks, he distributed his remaining food to his Knights, who were happy to have it and walked over to the young man who had prepared your food to give copious compliments and thanks.

You couldn’t hear what he said, but the boy was surprised and flattered when he was finished.

*

Until the evening meal, you had the day empty ahead of you. It was this way most days and you could busy yourself with what you chose, but now especially, when your surprise guest expressed special interest in you. You took Kylo to a grove of trees with long cascading branches, soft and rustling in the wind, the shade mossy and thick under them. He was grateful for the cool temperature and some humidity.

“Are you afraid of me still?” – he asked openly as he sat down, sure that you were struggling to find topics of conversation.

“You’re…” – you searched for the right words. – “Unlike anyone I’ve ever met. I don’t…know how I feel.”

“You’re unlike anyone I’ve ever met too.” – but he knew perfectly well how he felt about that, and you. – “Then maybe I could tell you some stories, what we tell where I come from. I hope that will help you understand how I am. If you care to hear them.”

“Yes.” – you answered without hesitation. Anything, let him talk, as long he was speaking, you weren’t risking anything.

“There is a story that goes: At the dawn of time, the first man and the first woman set up their home together by the side of a great broad river. They had everything they needed for a blissful life: plenty of, food, wood and fresh water and, of course, each other. They lived as happily as any man and woman have ever lived together, until their first quarrel. It started with a small thing. First man said, “Why didn’t you cook this?” and then, first woman said, “Why didn’t you bring in the wood for the fire?” Pretty soon it got worse, with first man saying, “Why didn’t you tidy that?”, and first woman saying, “Why are you so messy?” Pretty soon, both the insults, and a few wooden plates and bowls, began to fly.” – Kylo paused when he saw a smile form on your face. You’d heard this from long-time mates, how they first thought nothing could ever bother them about the other and then one day, no matter how devoted they were to the Great Harmony, quarrels happened, so puny and insignificant when retold.

“The first woman was so upset that she decided to leave the first man. At the break of day, while he was still asleep, she set off down the valley, heading towards the rising sun. She walked and walked, always looking straight ahead of her, and not once turning back. When the first man woke up and saw that she was gone, he waited for her to come back, but she did not. He found her tracks along the valley, but she had a long head start on him, as she did not stop or look around.” – he took another break, seeing you now listening attentively, correctly guessing they would be reunited, but not sure how.

“The Sun was now high in the great blue sky. It looked down upon the first man, as he followed after the first woman, and it saw that there was sadness on the face of an otherwise pristine and perfect world and all his surroundings. The Sun asked the man if he was still angry with his wife. He said that he was not angry with her at all. The Sun asked if he would like to have her back. He said that he would like it more than anything.” – his voice was soft as he regarded you, and you wondered if he really meant to imply he desired you as much as the man in the story.

“And the Sun took pity on the first man, and decided to help him. His gentle rays touched the ground along the woman’s path, and a huckleberry bush sprang up. Its fruit was shiny and enticing, but as she passed, her eyes remained fixed on the distance, and she did not see the berries. So the Sun shone again on the ground up ahead of the woman. He caused a clump of blackberries to grow up beside her path. She refused to even glance at them. Then the Sun thought that he must create something entirely new; something so vivid, so fragrant, and so delicious, that even the first woman could not fail to take notice of it in her resolute and unhappy mood.” – Kylo was pleased to see you were looking at him intently, hardly blinking.

“He blessed the ground again with his rays, and the first patch of strawberries spread over the ground. Their sweet scent filled the woman’s senses, and her mood became lighter. She began to look around her, and she saw the bright red fruit hiding beneath the leaves. It looked so enticing that she picked one and tried it. She tasted the strawberry on her tongue, and she began to remember the happiness she knew when she first set up home with her husband. She looked at the half eaten strawberry in her hand and saw a bright red heart. She found she no longer felt the pressing desire to leave him. She sat down on the ground and wondered what she must do. By the time she had eaten a few more strawberries, first man had caught up to her and sat down quietly and smiled. She gave him a strawberry to eat.” – your eyes were now looking off somewhere, wondering what that might feel like, to have such a connection with someone and draw happiness and peace from them. You could certainly use such a person now, in all your tribulations.

“They both then realized how much they cared for one another and walked back home together taking a few strawberry plants with them to plant at their home so they would not forget this lesson.” – Kylo finished and was rewarded with a smile. – “It is a story about forgiveness, of course, but also the bond that exists between people who are meant for each other. And how nothing can truly separate them. It is what we believe above all else.”

“What we believe…” – you started, needing him to start understanding your own world and why you couldn’t be mates. – “Is that strawberries, like all things, exist for their own sake. And we let them be. Otherwise… Let me tell you a story too. An old one, from back when my people lived on distant shores.” – you remembered a rarely told tale, one that had little significance for your people now, but might illustrate a point to Kylo. – “They say that once, there was a Bird who always soared in the air and slept on cliffs on the land, who by an unlucky chance formed an intimate acquaintance with a Fish, who lived for the most part in the water. The Fish, one day missing the Bird and wanting to have it close to it always, bound the talon of the Bird tightly to its fin. The Bird made sure it would not become unfastened, testing it and resolving never to part from its beloved Fish. Thus joined together, they sailed happily for a while, the Bird perched on the Fish’ back, one where the air met the water. As time passed, the Fish missed the depths of its waters and the Bird agreed to be taken down and learn its secrets, wanting to be part of the Fish’ world, to give it what it craved. No sooner had they dove under the surface, than the Bird started thrashing. The Frog thought it was flapping its wings excitedly, as it always did when they met. The Fish delighted in the water and swam happily to and fro, showing the Bird its caves and reefs it had never seen.” – you had to stop, the sadness and brutality of the story closing your throat. – “The unhappy Bird was soon suffocated by the water, and its dead body dragged alongside the Fish. When it had realized something was wrong, the Fish swam hard for the surface, weighed down by the Bird. Finally, the exhausted Fish, barely clinging to life itself, reached the surface and the unhappy Bird could merely bob along it, not taking breath. A Hawk observed them, and, pouncing upon the Bird with its strong talons, carried it aloft. The Fish, being still fastened to the leg of the Bird, was also carried off a prisoner, and eaten by the Hawk.” – you concluded, seeing grim understanding in Kylo’s face and wondering if you had gone too far, if he was offended by the story.

“I don’t remember hearing the story, but the underlying question is philosophically posed still: a bird and a fish can fall in love, but where would they live?” – he said, and you regarded him almost sadly. He was strangely beautiful, cold in the shadows, his presence was thrilling and he came across as serious and intense. You did wish, as you wished for everyone, he could be happy and fulfilled, but you could not see it happening on your isle.

“Yes, some things simply cannot be.” – you nodded, glad that your two peoples could agree on something.

“A more optimistic answer would be they could live harmoniously where water and air mingle. It could be in a place of quiet, shallow pools and slow-flowing water. Comfortable for the Fish and safe for the Bird. In those magical spaces where water and air kiss. In foam as water caresses the shore, and vapor, in rain as it falls, and mists as they rise. In the morning dew. In the storms as they rage and the rainbows that follow their tumult.” – he murmured, eyes full of sadness and shadows. If he were anybody else, you realized with some surprise and unease, you would have kissed him. The words were so beautiful and stirring, and the way he thought and spoke was deep and pleasant, that for a moment, you wanted to believe. That it could be possible, not for you and him, not at this moment, but some other bird and some other fish who could only exist together in mists. And yet, he was so strange, so hard and intimidating, it was difficult to imagine he could give the same tenderness with his body that he could weave with words.

“I probably chose the wrong story, I’m sorry.” – you said breathlessly. – “It’s just a story, after all. A fish and a bird could no more really fall in love than they could live in a rainbow.”

“Does the balance not allow that?” – Kylo asked, eyes cast down to hide his misery at your statement. He’d heard you and others mention harmony and balance quite reverently a few times, so he knew he should learn more about it.

You told him, in broad terms, about the utmost value of your people. Not hurting other living things, making sure to leave the earth better than you found it.

“There are different kinds of balance, I think.” – he knitted his brows when you were done, not sure why you would insist so much on not harming anything around you, even if it was to your detriment, even if it meant being defenseless. He could surmise from your reactions and what he had seen on the island that no violence occurred and you were woefully unprepared for that. Your men could only look at him in abject terror when he appeared and he somehow intuited they had never handled any weapons, not even tools to hunt and fish. – “Yours is based on harmony. Others are based on predation.”

“Can you call it balance if it is bathed in blood? Ours in bathed in sunlight.” – you tried not to scream in outrage, but relay how ugly it all sounded.

“There are lands where the Sun doesn’t shine. And the Moon illuminates the blood spilled on the ground.”

“So the balance is achieved by making a hierarchy? Slaughter men to push them down and yourself up. And animals? Take them, like they belong to you? You drink their milk? Eat the…their flesh?” – you had to ask, had to confirm what you assumed was true, even though the words alone made you retch. The idea of taking life and gnawing on the flesh of another living thing… You felt woozy, a cold sweat making your skin crawl.

Kylo could quite truthfully answer no, but what he _did_ drink would be far more off-putting to you, he was sure. – “Occasionally.” – he conceded, already knowing he would see your eyes widen in fear and disgust. – “But they are what we call domesticated, you see. They could not survive in the wild. And if we didn’t milk the cows and goats, they would be in pain. They bodies produce milk whether we drink it or not.” – he explained, trying to make you see that life took on a lot of different forms. Where life around you bustled freely, life around him was constantly roiling like crashing waves, giving and taking, but it couldn’t be any other way. The few strong dominated the many weak, and neither could exist without the other.

After you thought about it, the old stories passed down from the people who fled these awful lands to start a better life here generations ago, you knew a little about their old ways. – “So you create a disfigurement over generations and then use that to excuse continued exploitation? Because now the pain inflicted by you is less than the pain inflicted without you?” – you couldn’t stop the words, half expecting him to lash out.

“That is how it often is. And we do unimaginable things sometimes, for a little respite from suffering.” – he said in a small voice and you were sure you did not want to know what he meant by that.

Kylo was feeling tired. Sapped by the Sun, hungry and hollow, and exhausted by his hopeless yearning, somehow worse now that you were right there, but feeling more distant than ever. And exhaustion made him feel callous. He did his best not to make fun of your culture; sure, you did not do morally reprehensible things, like murder to eat or to win lands, but was it any less reprehensible not to take care of yourselves? Be able to protect the population? He and his Knights could cut through you in a day or two and all your talk of balance would be for naught.

“I can’t…imagine how that feels. I’m sorry that it happens.” – you told him, feeling like you should say something, but not knowing what.

“So if you don’t hurt anyone, does everything on the island follow the same creed?” – Kylo moved on, knowing you weren’t ready to hear the truth about him, resolving to keep it from you as long as he had to.

“Yes.” – you said confidently.

“Even the spiders?” – he asked, knowing they were some of nature’s most notorious predators.

They were among the few carnivorous creatures around. - “The spiders eat the butterflies when they fall out of the sky, only when they’re already gone, to make room for the change.” – you blurted, wanting to bite your tongue. The day between new butterflies hatching and old ones dying is one of those things you should certainly not reveal to strangers. The island is entirely without protection during that time and if anyone came ashore, there would be absolutely nothing to stop them. You spend the day in perpetual adoration of the Great Harmony and send your prayers to the cocoons, waiting for your gentle protectors to take flight again.

“What change is that?” – Kylo did not miss you cutting yourself off.

“Between the old and the new. It’s… it’s quite beautiful when the new butterflies come soaring out of the canopies.” – you added, hoping he wouldn’t take too much of an interest. – “Maybe… you and your Knights will see it someday.” – you felt sickened by the suggestion; that the Knights or Kylo might be allowed to come into contact with the poisonous butterflies. Nobody ever suspected the beautiful little creatures, extending hands and fingers and letting them alight on their skin, only to find themselves days later in agony, flesh falling off their bones, blaming the water or the food or the plants. They were harmless to all inhabitants of the island and you could safely allow them to touch you. But would you be able to? Could you ever play such a cruel trick on someone?

“I’d love to. I’ll do anything you say.” – Kylo assured, noting a rift between your lovely description and the pained look on your face.

*

It was time, once again, to take his Knights ashore for their short mealtime visit, and then escort them all back for the night. During the meal, you started to feel jittery with excitement, eagerly anticipating the moment you knew for sure these visitors were off your island and you could breathe easy, without Kylo’s eyes on you, his words making your head spin, his presence making your heart stop, then race.

The Knights walked ahead of you as you escorted Kylo back, the Sun having set a while back and the darkness growing thicker around you.

“I hope…” – he started quietly, seemingly out of nowhere. – “That the time we spent together wasn’t unpleasant to you.”

“No…” – politeness made you say it, even it wasn’t entirely true. – “I only hope we can…understand each other. And both find that place between what we want and what is best for us.”

Kylo contemplated the words, agreeing with their wisdom. – “Ever since I saw you, I’ve been changed. I’ve been whole.” – he confessed, stopping in place, and your timid heart went racing again. – “My only wish in this life is to be so close to you, so completely united, that I do not know where I end and you begin.”

The portent of the words, physical and emotional, sent all sorts of images flying through your head. They were shocking and dizzying and you would have liked to grip something for support as it suddenly felt like the sky and ground switched places.

Kylo smirked as his words more than hit their target and hoped you felt at least a shadow of the sublime chaos that your connection produced in him.

“Off I go now, to dream of you, till morning.”

*


End file.
